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Church Of The
Swimming Elephant


Newbie Guide to Anything
John Holstein, Cotse Helpdesk/Support


That's right! RTFM! That's the answer to all your problems. This is the brand new, yet old, "Universal Command Theory" to get anything you want out of your computer. It's very basic, yes? Oh but how complex it can become. When RTFM fails to initialize, your first thought is to ask someone about it. No! This isn't the answer. You should further your RTFM process by other, less complicated procedures, involving researching other realms.

You see, RTFM being the "Universal Command Theory", which most people overlook, is an "all powerful" entity on a computer system. Most all Systems Administrators, especially the accredited College's and University's "Information Technology" Departments utilize this procedure on a daily, heck, even sometimes an hourly basis!

During the learning process, involving many hours of studying, it becomes apparent that RTFM is the key! That's right, the KEY! After spending as little as 20 minutes learning about a new Operating System, Unix Daemon, or Microsoft Service, the RTFM process is paramount to accomplishing your goals.

Over the past 20 years, I have spent many hours trying to ad-hoc different programs and servers together. Let alone learn the occasional new hardware appliance. All I needed to do was apply the "RTFM Command Theory" to my formula, and *poof*! Instant gratification, fame and glory!

Would you think I am trying to be a salesman? Well, yes. In a way, I am. I am trying to sway your thought process into following this new, yet old, Universal Command Theory. The good part about this, it's free! That's right! You need not pay a single penny for this information, it's out there for all to see. With RTFM, it comes with your Operating System, your particular piece of software, even your games! You can't find it? It's not in the package? I would beg to differ, however, some manufacturers are a little hesitant in providing the valuable information locally to you.

Things "They" Don't Want You To Know:

There are unscrupulous companies out there that don't want you to have "easy access" to RTFM information. Sometimes, "They" provide this on websites only. Therefore, you have to circumvent their efforts to hide this valuable data by "searching the web" for it. That's right! Search the Web! Holy cow! How could this be? Why would a company want to hide this new found "RTFM Command Theory"? Basically, it's a conspiracy. "They" think you're not capable of finding out their secrets! But I'm here to tell you, we'll do it together! I'll show you the best kept secret of RTFM!

When you're working on a piece of software, trying to install it on your Windows 98 computer and you're having trouble with it; You're trying to do something on the Internet; You're installing the very latest widget for your website; You want to add PHPNuke to your homepage, but you're not the webserver administrator; You want to create cgi's on a non-cgi capable web site; Someone is pinging you! What should you do?!; You've just heard that a firewall is a good thing to have, how do you get one?; You're continuously getting email attachments, opening them and getting viruses!; People keep telling you that you're sending them .pif attachment's in email with seemingly random text; It's all right here, right now! I'll tell you what you need to do to get started.

The Secrets Revealed:

It's a simple process to get started. It may become more complicated and you will need to read words and sentences and have a somewhat good grasp of your language to get things going. Doesn't sound too tough does it? You're a competent person, right? You made it this far, you're reading this, you're on a "Computer Professionals Website", right? Heck, you can even install games and such, you've got it going on.

Good. So to get started, you'll need to do a couple basic things, then you're on your own. First, whatever you're wanting to know about, you'll need to jot down the name. Say for instance you have a new video card and you would like to know how to get it to finally work at 1024x768 resolution. This video card's manufacturer is "ATI", you will need to write down "ATI". Then you need the model number, say for instance the model number is "Radeon 3d 2002", then write that down. Now that you have 1) The make/model and 2) what you want it to do, we can begin because we know 3) you're looking for helpful information. Pretty simple, ehh? No problem. What you do is this (don't jump ahead of me here, this is really, really, important): You will follow the RTFM link I provide below and type this into the little box, then click the button. Here's the text you would enter for the example above: "ATI Radeon 3d 2002 Help". Got it? Ok. Now then, when you press the button, it will come up with a list of items, this can be directly related to RTFM material. Remember, RTFM is key. You're well on your way to "...RTFM'ing the Planet!"

One final word worth mentioning, in Microsoft Windows related programs, there's a function inside just about every program that's hidden or otherwise hard to find (it must be hard to find because no one seems to have read it). It's usually on the far right side of the menu's that appear when you start the program or application. It's called the "Help" button or otherwise known as a "Menu". Don't let this seemingly funny name fool you. This button or menu contains many hidden features that I don't believe many end-users or "beginners" are familiar with. It seems like "They" are trying to hide this from you. Well, I'm here to tell you, there's all kinds of "hidden" items contained therein. It's full of stuff "They" don't want you to know! Guess what? We'll show them! We'll read every little bit of information in there and show 'em!

Anyway, that's all for now, when I hear more about "RTFM" and people not wanting to use it, believe you me, I'll be sure to sit down and write it up for ALL TO SEE! Oh yea! Can't forget the link I promised you to the SECRET "They" don't want you to know about:

RTFM Universal Command Theory Link

Questions? Comments? Bugs? Email our RTFM Team.


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